justa joke (not m/c related)

weekendrider · Posted: May 1, 2008, 10:33 pm Post subject: justa joke (not m/c related)

I heard about a lady who was speeding and an officer pulled
her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt
on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on
before the officer got to her window.
After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I
see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in
wearing it at all times?"
"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it
looped through your steering wheel?"

weekendrider · Posted: May 5, 2008, 12:49 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

there was the guy who loved nothing
better than to sit at nearby bar for long
evenings and get stoned with his cronies.
But his wife was a social climber, and was
prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.

This one night she didn't want him to be around
embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out
as late as he wished, just don't come in and
make another scene.

Well, he came in the back door a little early,
as she was preparing tea and some delicate little
sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.

"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed"
she told him.

"Oh, relax,"says he, "I'll just take a cup of coffee,
say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone."

"Just keep your mouth shut," says she again.

Well, when she finally went back into the living room,
all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.
She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce
him and take everything he had, but he said,
"wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story."

"I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to
the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was
having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady
suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool,
and all I said was, who is going to hold their little
legs while you do it?

weekendrider · Posted: May 6, 2008, 10:06 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea!

weekendrider · Posted: May 6, 2008, 10:07 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Achmed the dead terrorist
www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_1qq46eW9o

weekendrider · Posted: May 12, 2008, 9:06 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grand children, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

weekendrider · Posted: May 12, 2008, 9:10 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Every evening coming in the farmer would pat his wife on the backside and comment it was getting bigger.
One night he gave her the usual pat and mentioned it was looking as wide as the combine.
Several nights later,feeling randy he started to rub her back.
At this point his wife rolls over and says, you don't need to think I'm starting this $250,000 combine for 1 ear of corn.

weekendrider · Posted: May 14, 2008, 12:22 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

alanbecker.deviantart....n-34244097

weekendrider · Posted: May 28, 2008, 11:52 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...'

'Damn!' says the little old lady ... 'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!' So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off it comes!''

'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'

weekendrider · Posted: June 14, 2008, 11:17 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

how to be cruel to old guys

delirious · Full Member Joined: Jun 05, 2008 Posts: 43

where the fk r muh bi-focalz when i need em?

xsjohn · Posted: July 3, 2008, 9:17 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

I don't get it.........xsjohn

tweedy64 · Posted: July 3, 2008, 10:08 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

mother and her two year old are in the supermarket the two year old is playing up being a pain in the ass so the mother grabs him and says " sometimes i really wished i'd swallowed you "

tweedy64 · Posted: July 3, 2008, 10:13 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

old couple sat at the breakfast table on their 60th wedding anniversary. The old lady says to her husband my nipples are as hot for you today as they were when we wed, i'm not not surprised says the husband there in your porridge.

Cooltouch · Posted: July 3, 2008, 3:36 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

argaret looks him over, 'Nope'.

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

argaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

argaret replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat.

weekendrider · Posted: July 4, 2008, 1:16 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn in her wheelchair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson.

'They won't let me fart.'
_________________________________________________________
What she needed is here
www.koreus.com/video/toot-tone.html

Cooltouch · Posted: July 21, 2008, 8:25 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

The Man With Correct Change

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the
ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich..

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be
$9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his
pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,
sir. 'How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your
pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say '

weekendrider · Posted: July 21, 2008, 8:38 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

jayel · Posted: July 21, 2008, 9:02 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

kingwj · Posted: July 23, 2008, 7:06 pm Post subject: Something to ponder

If you are buried up to your neck in crap and someone throws a turd at your head do you duck??

xsjohn · Posted: July 23, 2008, 7:08 pm Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Not if you are real real hungry.........xsjohn

Protrucker · Posted: July 24, 2008, 5:38 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

Are you a real biker?

A biker went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on Harleys. My momma was pregnant with me when she rode on the back of my Daddy's Harley, then as a little boy I rode on the back with my Daddy until I finally got my own Harley. I've been riding a Harley ever since. So yes, I guess I am a real biker."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women." Then she got up and left.

The biker was thinking about what just happened when a man sat down next to the biker and asked, "Are you a real biker?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

weekendrider · Posted: August 6, 2008, 8:22 am Post subject: Re: justa joke (not m/c related)

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving. The female officer
reads the man his Miranda Rights, 'Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be held against you.'

The drunk replies, "Tits."

weekendrider

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blonde said it was hers

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

danno · Full Member Joined: Mar 04, 2006 Posts: 212

Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A. It was dead!

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